This post goes out to “B” after 10 miles plus of meditation and reflection and a couple of very restless nights of sleep.
So here it goes.
The following is what I believe was the cause of my recent loss of composure. I am not going to apologize again. But what I hope to do is to provide an explanation as I have come to understand my reactions through Self Reflection and analysis.
To do this is going to require that I revisit the past to gain a better understanding of the why it happened now. So please bear with me to that extent. I know you would rather I leave the past in the past, but in this case I think it critical to understand how it affects me here and now and going forward.
After the bankruptcy and before I met you. I felt lost and very alone. No one I could trust with my feelings and certainly my story. As I said in other posts I had given up on my self and all but life itself, so it was easy for me to be the person that seemed nothing bothered. Because it actually didn’t bother me what people did or said to me or about me. It became o.k. (in my mind) for me to just go off on people and not care about the resulting rebukes or reprimands I would receive. Which I did for longer than I should have been allowed to.
Then you came along. God’s answer to my prayer. We went through the getting acquainted stage and through time the beginning of friendship and so on. I’ll not go through it all as you are aware of it all. But during that friendship phase I began to feel as though I could trust you and share everything with you. I was right. I also knew from the very first time we met that there would be more to our story than just work and friendship. This is a key part that I have come to understand through the self reflection and meditation. I knew there would be more. When the time came that I wrote and I told you what I was going to do and your reaction to that. Well, it turned my whole mind set upside down. So as we went along after that time. I was constantly needing to remind myself what the relationship was and was actually all about for you. To do that, I would chastise myself or for lack of a better term “yell at myself”. I would retreat into my mind and sulk until I felt I had made enough of an impression on myself to not do it again. I have done this for the past almost 6 years now, and so it has become a part of how I react to myself having the thoughts of there is more to this than friendship. It was actually an offshoot of the going off attitude I had developed after the bankruptcy where I didn’t care how I treated myself. I would actually be angry with myself for letting my self believe it could be true.
Here is the other crucial thing I found. It became a reaction. So as to make myself not even go there with that thought again.
Fast forward… Several months ago as you know we resumed our communication with each other after having not communicated in a while.
When we did, I came to learn that things were different for you for various reason’s which I won’t go into. So Now, after all those years of re-programming my thoughts it was suddenly alright to entertain those thoughts again. (Big Bang inserted here) Mind Blown! But by now the program was an unconscious reaction. So when I am feeling as though you are not pleased with something I have done or said. It goes right back to that thought process of beating myself up and punishing myself for thinking things were different. I am not angry with you or upset with what you do or say. You are the convenient recipient of my anger with myself. Which is so messed up on so many levels up I can hardly wrap my head around it..
With all of that said. At least now I have a starting point to learn to control the reaction. Start to deprogram (if you will) my reactions to those thoughts. I know this is not an excuse of any kind, but perhaps, the beginning of the healing process which has been so long in the making for me. This whole realization scares me a bit. But maybe now I can start to like myself again and then grow into a person that someone else could be proud to know. I know I have have a long way to go. I don’t know if I will ever be a whole enough person for you to truly love in way that you need and deserve. I hope that you can find the love and patience with me that you once had. I am working hard everyday at being a better me.